Work it Out

I am task-oriented and I love a good project.  Work to me, at least work that involves something I find interesting, doesn't really feel like work.  There have been seasons of ministry where I have worked from 7 in the morning until midnight on a regular basis because there were project deadlines and programs to run, and while it was a season in which I experienced tremendous burnout, it wasn't so much the long hours as the projects themselves and the baggage that went with them that wore me down. 

Needless to say, "work" can become my life very quickly.  I am energized by production.  Unfortunately, during the insane and crazy season of ministry (and the accompanying burnout) my marriage became second priority...the INTJs default, "Tasks over people!" 

At the bottom of burnout hell I realized a lot of things had to change.  I took a step back and tried to set some healthier rhythms in place, not just for me, but also for my husband.  Now we have a son, a nutty three-year-old bouncing off the walls who craves attention.  It wreaks havoc on my productivity. 

I'm currently back in a ministry setting where projects are numerous and I am getting a serious itch to be insanely productive.  I can hardly stop thinking about the To-Do list sitting on my desk...not in a bad way, but in a sick and twisted, I-can't-wait-another-second-to-go-finish-my-project way. My preferred work style is "work straight through until it's done."  But, three-year-olds don't feed themselves, and, oh my, where did our kitchen counter go under all those dishes?

So it's a constant give and take, take and give rather...take 5 projects and give 3 back.  It's hard for me to keep in mind that this is a season.  But, my zany little boy won't be running around the house saying "Mama, look at me!" forever.  I'm comfortable with being a work-aholic, but life isn't just about how productive we are.  Mostly it's about how faithful we are to steward the gifts God has given us for His glory...and the relationships He's given us are a part of that too.

I won't give up on projects, and I'm always going to push the edge of being in full-time ministry AND being a wife and mother, but for now, I need to grow comfortable with a new level of productivity, one that includes playing pointless board games from time to time and making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

The Off Switch

As a Dominant Introverted Intuitive, life is experienced from the inside out, and what's on the inside is big, Big, BIG (no chubby jokes, please).  It can be exciting, the world of ideas, but sometimes when those thoughts get filled with emotion, and heavy with confusion, the weight of them feels too much to bear.  I've sunk to some pretty dark places under their weight.  It's then that I am notorious about finding the "Off Switch"...any coping mechanism that will let me check out mentally, which includes mindless activities such as eating (again, quell the jokes), watching TV, and generally disengaging from relationships.  And, occasionally, I don't really know what to think and so I just let tasks take over.

Of course, the latter is much more outwardly productive, but more tasks make less room for relationships, which, ultimately, (as ideal as the thought may sound at times) is counterproductive for Kingdom-work.

I've been challenged recently to think about my actions as a pathway for the Holy Spirit to change my mind.  Instead of trying to make my thoughts and feelings change (which is darn near impossible), change my actions and let the Spirit draw my heart toward a rendezvous with those right actions.  More or less, reverse engineering.  For someone who lives on the inside so much this seems foreign, but I know there is wisdom in it. 

However, it doesn't mean flipping the "Off Switch" and completely disconnecting from what's going on inside.  I can't use actions as a means of denial, but as an acknowledgement of the inner chaos and a form of discipline for my wayward heart and mind.  Without that connection the actions are just the spinning of a top--going nowhere fast but back to where I've been.

Some days I need to take a moment to sort through my emotions, but most days I just need to get up and do what my heart doesn't want to...the wisdom is in knowing which day it is, and the knowing only comes from the illumination of the Holy Spirit.

 

"Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light."