Calming the Storm

I'm such an internal processor. It's not that I won't talk about just about anything with anyone if asked, it's just that it takes me so long to make sense of my thoughts and feelings that I don't offer up much until I've wrapped my own brain around things. Sometimes this can be a problem when I'm in a prolonged season of internal mayhem.

I'm sort of in one of those seasons and thus, I am pretty silent on the outside. It takes so much energy to keep up with my swirling mind that I retreat even further into myself. It's not intentional; it's an instinctive survival mechanism. The past couple of years have been hard, heck, the last near decade have been hard, and every once in awhile the craziness of life and the unintentionally stored up mental baggage collide and my life explodes. OK, maybe it doesn't actually explode, but it sort of feels like it. My body starts falling apart (This time it's random weird breathing problems and strange nerve issues in my leg, among other things.), I have sleeping problems, and I succumb to self-indulgent mental anguish.

I find myself in the metaphorical place of the disciples, in the face of the crashing waves of life and the whipping wind of my mind, and I cry out, "Lord, don't you care if I drown?"

Dutch Boat in a Storm, Titus Lunter

Sometimes I give in to feelings of defeat and other times I try to "fix" everything myself, which only adds more pressure and guilt. But, when it comes down to it, even though there are healthy practices I can put into place, it is only God that can completely heal. I have proven over and over that I am not capable of calming the storm. Jesus on the other hand can stretch out His hand and say:

Quiet. Be still!

Someone recently reminded me that praising the Lord is the best weapon for just about anything. Praising the Lord takes the focus off of myself, my anxiety, even physical distress. It doesn't let me take a victim's mentality to life's assaults.

Life is stressful and often full of pain...we weren't promised that it wouldn't be. But our God is good. He is powerful. And, He is worthy of praise.

I certainly don't have all the answers right now, or ever. I can't control life and I can't heal the wounds of the past by myself. I'm trying not to desperately focus on my need for peace, scheming all the ways I can force it into existence, and focus instead on the Prince of Peace Himself.

It's a life-lesson in process, a slow process, but in process none-the-less.