Are You a Woman?

A recent trip to the library went something like this...

Random dude walking around the library: "You're so tall!"

Me: "Yeah, I guess."

Random dude: "Are you a woman?"

Me: "Uh.  Last time I checked."

Random dude: "You're so tall!"

And then he walked away.  Such a strange encounter.  I'm tall for the average woman, but coming in at just shy of 5' 10", I hardly classify as Man-Tall.  And, I'm under no delusions that I will be winning Miss Universe anytime soon (well, anytime, ever) but I've never really thought I had a mannish face or figure.  He didn't look obviously disturbed, but I'm guessing he was a few tacos short of a fiesta platter.

But then, I started thinking.  I guess I can't blame the guy too much, because I've had to ask myself the same question a time or two.  Not, in the I'm-in-need-of-a-sex-change sort of way, of course.  More like, it's confusing to be a woman with a predominantly male personality (INTJ). I don't quite know who to identify with.  I mean, I look at the world and process things through a lens that I usually share with other men, not women.  But, I'm not a man (even if it's not obvious to certain patrons of the library).  I like being a woman.  I'm a wife and a mother.  I enjoy traditionally feminine hobbies, like sewing and collaging, and one of my favorite movies is Pride and Prejudice (the 4 hours A&E version, of course). 

One time, in a college small group at church, we had to share our favorite CD, book, and movie as a means to get to know one another (oh the joy).  I can't ever say I have a favorite, so I shared some favorites at the time, Beyonce's latest, Stephen King novels, and John Wayne's The  Quiet Man.  One guy said, "What does that say about her?"  And my pastor said, "It says she's a very complicated woman."  A joke, but it stuck with me all these years, because, well, it was what I had always suspected.

There's nothing wrong with being complicated, it makes for an interesting life, but sometimes, when all you want is a straight answer it can be so confusing.  I find this the most perplexing when I contemplate how to be who God made me to be.  He made me a woman.  But, he made me, in many ways, not like other women.  A cruel joke, perhaps? 

I went to a women's retreat this weekend.  I dreaded the chit chat and the display of emotion, but I thought a lot about what it means to be a woman...what it means for me to be a woman.  Dr. Don Davis lead a session entitled "Fierce Tenderness," highlighting strengths of women as seen in the book of Ruth.  I loved it, and I hated it.  He didn't use flowery words to paint a picture of a Kingdom woman and I thought, finally, an identity as a woman I can get behind!  But then I try to apply it to my every day, being a missionary, being a wife, being a mother, and things get all jumbled up in my head. 

Perhaps it bothers me so much because, by nature, I have a need to make sense of things...and I just haven't been able to make sense of it all.  Yet, one thought has lingered since the retreat.  Maybe I have always been afraid to embrace the "tenderness" of being a woman.  I can totally get behind the "fierce, " but tenderness is not something I openly display.  It requires vulnerability, and usually it requires an emphasis on relationship (and let's face it, I'm prone to pick task over relationship any day).  Maybe I'm scared of what life-changes would be asked of me if I were to embrace the two approaches together.  Maybe it would be easier if I did.  Maybe it would be harder.  Maybe it would make me look at my roles as a wife and mother and missionary differently, maybe....

In all the complexity I can hold on to two truths.  God made me a woman and I was created to have a Kingdom impact.  And, I suppose I have to let God work out the details in me one step at a time.  I'm hoping it's sooner than later.  And just in case there is any lingering doubt, let it be said again for the record...I am a woman.