Have you ever left an encounter with someone and felt that your brain has taken a beating? I'm not talking about a healthy sparing match where each party leaves with satisfied bruising, this is more like being mentally mugged. It happens far too often; a chance encounter while shopping, a meeting, a conversation at a social event. One minute you feel all is right in the world, and the next you are cerebrally assaulted, someone's stupidity acting as a black hole and sucking all intelligent properties out of the conversation, gobbling up any intellectual contributions you offer and smothering them in nothingness.
It happens to me all the time. I am not naturally a patient person; my selfishness fights the Holy Spirit from infusing me with this quality on a regular basis. I find myself rolling my eyes, figuratively and literally, at all hours of the day. If only people weren't so stupid, life would be better, more tolerable.
My Dad often has told me, "Stupid people need love too." To which I respond, "Maybe. But not mine."
My natural tendency is to dismiss anything that isn't logical, intellectual, or constructive, and, honestly, the lack of those qualities equates a lack of value in my mind. It isn't right, but that's my first reaction. I spend a lot of energy trying to avoid these types of encounters, but with the world the way it is, there is no escape. Frustrating. But, I have come to the conclusion that there are only two postures I can take in these experiences...pride or humility.
Naturally, I defer to pride. I am prone to walk away feeling superior. This is, however, not the Christ-like approach. My usual response to a cerebral assault is to strike back, to put stupid in its rightful place, or to walk away aloof and dismissive. But, if I am to be more like Christ I have to learn to turn the other metaphorical brain-cheek. Thanks, may I hear another of your ideas please? And then try to listen without condescension.
It isn't just someone else's job to love stupid people. It's mine too. And, by loving them they become a little less stupid and a little more human...with flaws and failures and varying gifts just like me. This will, no doubt, be a life-long journey for me. Thankfully, our value to the Kingdom and the world is not based on our lack of intelligence or lack of affinity with people, but in a God, who possess those qualities infinitely greater than we ever could, who decided to love us anyway and breathe value into us through His Son.
Intelligence is important. Very important. You could argue that without it we all would die strange and humiliating deaths. But, humility, patience, love...these keep people like me out of prison (from homicidal impulses) and bring people into the Kingdom of God, and that's what life's all about. Well, maybe the prison thing is secondary, but you get my point.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Spock, I Love You
My Dad's a Sci-Fi nerd and according to my husband I am too. Much to my Mom's dismay, my sisters and I grew up watching Star Trek, Godzilla movies, Stargate SG-1 and other science fiction classics. Now, much to my husband's consternation, I vow to do my utmost to pass on the love of Sci-Fi to our little guy.
While I enjoy much of the Sci-Fi genre (not including the campy made-for-the-Sci-Fi-Channel movies, sorry, Dad) I think Star Trek will always be one of my favorites, particularly the original series. It holds so much nostalgia for me. It was the first TV show I remember watching and identifying with the characters in a way that shaped me. My first TV love...Spock. OK, well, maybe love is a stretch (I can't say I really dig the haircut, or the pointy ears), but I was enamered with his character. I wanted to model his logic, commended his stoic face, and envied the command he had over his emotions. I wanted to be Spock.
Spock, half human, half vulcan, was an objective commentator on the Humon Condition. He brought the irefutable truth of logic to the table. As an INTJ (even before I knew what that was) logic has always been alluring. I idealized it, perhaps as the answer to every problem. I felt a conflict inside me, believing logic and emotions to always be enemies, I tried to be Spock and purge myself of emotions altogether. But, unlike Spock, I am all human and didn't have access to the Vulcan ways. What a shame. I really always wanted to master the Vulcan Death Grip.
I suppose I also felt, and still feel, an identification to Spock's distance from others. I think we INTJs natrually sit just a little further out than most people, observing everything with a sweeping, objective eye. This makes us great analyzers (and often strong-spoken commentators on the "Human Condition"), but sometimes it feels a little alienating.
There are times I still secretly wish that I could erradicate the need for emotions. They are messy and unpredictable and feel combersome to a lover of logic, but what I always failed to see is that Spock chose a path that didn't acknowledge his whole self. He was, in fact, as human as he was Vulcan at his core. Like Spock, I think my effort to command my emotions has sometimes created a characature of who I am, a stone-faced, iron maiden of sorts. And, to be honest, I have often (and still sometimes do) wear that as a badge of honor.
But then, inevitably, that characature begins to feel constricting and I find myself wishing I was more capable handling emotions, more open and more visibly whole. Logic will always be my first love, but feelings are God-given too and the interplay between them is what creates a living and growing wholeness in a person. I sometimes visibly cringe when using the "F" word, but without feelings I am one-dimensional and lack growth. And, if feelings aren't something we can really get behind as INTJs, the idea of growth and continual improvement is. And so, I won't settle for being just Spock, you've gotta have a little Captain Kirk in you too...that's probably why they made such a great team.
In the beginning I thought my love for Spock would push me towards triumphant and emotionless logic, but in the end he has taught me that logic is no replacement for wholeness. In fact, it is a little ironic that it isn't very logical to only be half of who you are.
While I enjoy much of the Sci-Fi genre (not including the campy made-for-the-Sci-Fi-Channel movies, sorry, Dad) I think Star Trek will always be one of my favorites, particularly the original series. It holds so much nostalgia for me. It was the first TV show I remember watching and identifying with the characters in a way that shaped me. My first TV love...Spock. OK, well, maybe love is a stretch (I can't say I really dig the haircut, or the pointy ears), but I was enamered with his character. I wanted to model his logic, commended his stoic face, and envied the command he had over his emotions. I wanted to be Spock.
Spock, half human, half vulcan, was an objective commentator on the Humon Condition. He brought the irefutable truth of logic to the table. As an INTJ (even before I knew what that was) logic has always been alluring. I idealized it, perhaps as the answer to every problem. I felt a conflict inside me, believing logic and emotions to always be enemies, I tried to be Spock and purge myself of emotions altogether. But, unlike Spock, I am all human and didn't have access to the Vulcan ways. What a shame. I really always wanted to master the Vulcan Death Grip.
I suppose I also felt, and still feel, an identification to Spock's distance from others. I think we INTJs natrually sit just a little further out than most people, observing everything with a sweeping, objective eye. This makes us great analyzers (and often strong-spoken commentators on the "Human Condition"), but sometimes it feels a little alienating.
There are times I still secretly wish that I could erradicate the need for emotions. They are messy and unpredictable and feel combersome to a lover of logic, but what I always failed to see is that Spock chose a path that didn't acknowledge his whole self. He was, in fact, as human as he was Vulcan at his core. Like Spock, I think my effort to command my emotions has sometimes created a characature of who I am, a stone-faced, iron maiden of sorts. And, to be honest, I have often (and still sometimes do) wear that as a badge of honor.
But then, inevitably, that characature begins to feel constricting and I find myself wishing I was more capable handling emotions, more open and more visibly whole. Logic will always be my first love, but feelings are God-given too and the interplay between them is what creates a living and growing wholeness in a person. I sometimes visibly cringe when using the "F" word, but without feelings I am one-dimensional and lack growth. And, if feelings aren't something we can really get behind as INTJs, the idea of growth and continual improvement is. And so, I won't settle for being just Spock, you've gotta have a little Captain Kirk in you too...that's probably why they made such a great team.
In the beginning I thought my love for Spock would push me towards triumphant and emotionless logic, but in the end he has taught me that logic is no replacement for wholeness. In fact, it is a little ironic that it isn't very logical to only be half of who you are.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Introverted Mother. Extroverted Son.
I use, on average, fewer words than the average person in one day...certainly fewer than many of my fellow females. When I hit a particularly chatty stretch I realize how unusual it is when my throat feels dry and overworked. I like space and time to think. I enjoy getting lost in the focus of a hobby, a good book, a work project. I have a larger than normal personal bubble. And then Little Man bulleted into our lives.
He's three and as extroverted as they come. His average word usage is in the millions, well, probably not, but it feels that way. He ricochets around the house and his lips move even faster than his feet. How is it that every sentence begins with "Mama!" There is incessant talking. To me. To his toys. To his imaginary friends. To no one in particular. And, while toddlers aren't known for their personal boundaries, "Say it, don't spray it" is a regular slogan in our house as his little nose and fingers and arms invade any shred of personal space left! It may embrass me to talk loudly or draw attention to myself in public, but, much to my humiliation, my little guy has no problem pointing and shouting, "Mama, look at that man's big eyebrows!" And, to him, any open space is a stage, where signing and dancing can entertain all (thankfully he's three and it's still considered cute, I'm hoping I don't still have an air-guitar playing thirteen year old!).
Seven months into it I know that motherhood is not easy, but I think it can be particularly difficult for us introverts. Being a Mom requires constant extroverting. There is always a need, a cry, a grabbing hand, a question, a body clinging to your leg, or a blood-curdling scream to attend to. Some days, I have searched for space in every possible opportunity, even taking to the kitchen to cook a meal! Perhaps not a shocking statement unless you know how much I detest cooking (I'm pretty good with quesadillas though).
I love my funny, extroverted boy. I love being able to hear him processing and learning all day. I love his enthusiasm and wild, animated gestures. But, an extroverted child requires even more verbal and physical interaction in a day, which means that noise you hear at 1 and 8 PM every day is me singing the hallelujah chorus as his little head hits the pillow!
My little extrovert challenges me every day to learn and grow. One lesson my verbose son is modeling for his often taciturn mother is what verbal affirmation looks like. Encouragement flows from him with ease. "I love you, Mama," "Thank you for cooking lunch," "You are such a good cleaner. It makes me so happy. I'm so proud of you." I tell him God made him a very good encourager and that his encouragements are special gifts he can give people, and then I take notes on how to do better with that in my own life.
I love that one of my roles is being a mom. Sometimes Andrew and I sit around wondering what we ever did to entertain ourselves before our little Nut was around. But, it is just one of my roles and if I am to balance all of them well, I have to be healthy! I have to have time to retreat to my quiet place so that I can engage with him later (and not go stark raving mad!). Otherwise, he only gets a half-present, eyes-glazed-over me. However, I'm realizing healthy rhythms don't happen naturally. I have to be intentional and that takes discipline...something I'm not always good at implementing in my life.
Being an introverted mother to an extroverted son requires me to intentionally create a give and take in our relationship, granted more give on my part, where we both learn and grow and become well-rounded people. For example, we have worked up to thirty minutes of quiet time into his daily routine (this is in addition to other times that he plays on his own), where he gets to read books or do puzzles or anything not involving his guitar and screamer-rock in his room, and I get to sit on the couch and breathe or read or stare at the wall. Sometimes, as an introvert, just sitting in a room where furniture is my only company feels like I'm breathing in freedom. At first he didn't like it, but he's learning that a little space and quiet never hurt anyone...in fact it can be life-saving (his to be precise, ha). Then, having had a few minutes of space I can invest more of me into time spent with him.
I'm also blessed to have a husband who sees the ins and outs of child raising as a team effort. He gladly takes over when I need a break, often gets up with the kid and lets me sleep a few extra minutes, and takes his role as a dad very seriously. He whole-heartedly supports me pursuing my passions, and we have the blessing of flexibility as missionaries to take parenting shifts. He encourages me to take time to invest in our ministry and I am so grateful for that. Being able to use my gifts and talents in and outside the home helps me remember that I'm an important part of God's Kingdom work!
Through trial and error I'm working on getting into a healthy rhythm. Ideally it will include regular devotional times, exercise, daily (intentional) activities with Little Man, scheduled work hours where I can be out of the house and contributing to ministry, a weekly outting by myself to drink coffee, think, and write, among other things. So far it's a work in progress.
We're women, not just moms, and as Christ-followers we have to steward our lives to serve the Lord. We can't be everthing to everyone, but we can be who God created us to be! Don't just take my word for it. Much of the reading material that has fueled my thoughts in this area are the following...
He's three and as extroverted as they come. His average word usage is in the millions, well, probably not, but it feels that way. He ricochets around the house and his lips move even faster than his feet. How is it that every sentence begins with "Mama!" There is incessant talking. To me. To his toys. To his imaginary friends. To no one in particular. And, while toddlers aren't known for their personal boundaries, "Say it, don't spray it" is a regular slogan in our house as his little nose and fingers and arms invade any shred of personal space left! It may embrass me to talk loudly or draw attention to myself in public, but, much to my humiliation, my little guy has no problem pointing and shouting, "Mama, look at that man's big eyebrows!" And, to him, any open space is a stage, where signing and dancing can entertain all (thankfully he's three and it's still considered cute, I'm hoping I don't still have an air-guitar playing thirteen year old!).
Seven months into it I know that motherhood is not easy, but I think it can be particularly difficult for us introverts. Being a Mom requires constant extroverting. There is always a need, a cry, a grabbing hand, a question, a body clinging to your leg, or a blood-curdling scream to attend to. Some days, I have searched for space in every possible opportunity, even taking to the kitchen to cook a meal! Perhaps not a shocking statement unless you know how much I detest cooking (I'm pretty good with quesadillas though).
I love my funny, extroverted boy. I love being able to hear him processing and learning all day. I love his enthusiasm and wild, animated gestures. But, an extroverted child requires even more verbal and physical interaction in a day, which means that noise you hear at 1 and 8 PM every day is me singing the hallelujah chorus as his little head hits the pillow!
My little extrovert challenges me every day to learn and grow. One lesson my verbose son is modeling for his often taciturn mother is what verbal affirmation looks like. Encouragement flows from him with ease. "I love you, Mama," "Thank you for cooking lunch," "You are such a good cleaner. It makes me so happy. I'm so proud of you." I tell him God made him a very good encourager and that his encouragements are special gifts he can give people, and then I take notes on how to do better with that in my own life.
I love that one of my roles is being a mom. Sometimes Andrew and I sit around wondering what we ever did to entertain ourselves before our little Nut was around. But, it is just one of my roles and if I am to balance all of them well, I have to be healthy! I have to have time to retreat to my quiet place so that I can engage with him later (and not go stark raving mad!). Otherwise, he only gets a half-present, eyes-glazed-over me. However, I'm realizing healthy rhythms don't happen naturally. I have to be intentional and that takes discipline...something I'm not always good at implementing in my life.
Being an introverted mother to an extroverted son requires me to intentionally create a give and take in our relationship, granted more give on my part, where we both learn and grow and become well-rounded people. For example, we have worked up to thirty minutes of quiet time into his daily routine (this is in addition to other times that he plays on his own), where he gets to read books or do puzzles or anything not involving his guitar and screamer-rock in his room, and I get to sit on the couch and breathe or read or stare at the wall. Sometimes, as an introvert, just sitting in a room where furniture is my only company feels like I'm breathing in freedom. At first he didn't like it, but he's learning that a little space and quiet never hurt anyone...in fact it can be life-saving (his to be precise, ha). Then, having had a few minutes of space I can invest more of me into time spent with him.
I'm also blessed to have a husband who sees the ins and outs of child raising as a team effort. He gladly takes over when I need a break, often gets up with the kid and lets me sleep a few extra minutes, and takes his role as a dad very seriously. He whole-heartedly supports me pursuing my passions, and we have the blessing of flexibility as missionaries to take parenting shifts. He encourages me to take time to invest in our ministry and I am so grateful for that. Being able to use my gifts and talents in and outside the home helps me remember that I'm an important part of God's Kingdom work!
Through trial and error I'm working on getting into a healthy rhythm. Ideally it will include regular devotional times, exercise, daily (intentional) activities with Little Man, scheduled work hours where I can be out of the house and contributing to ministry, a weekly outting by myself to drink coffee, think, and write, among other things. So far it's a work in progress.
We're women, not just moms, and as Christ-followers we have to steward our lives to serve the Lord. We can't be everthing to everyone, but we can be who God created us to be! Don't just take my word for it. Much of the reading material that has fueled my thoughts in this area are the following...
- Don't Carpe Diem - A post from Momastery about surviving motherhood!
- Mothering as an Introvert - A helpful post full of tips for saving your mental health as an Introverted Mother!
- The Missional Mom: Living with Purpose at Home and in the World - A must read for all Christian mothers! The book explores in both Biblical and practical ways the truth that women were made to be followers of Christ; which often includes but is not limited to our roles as mothers.
- Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture - This book has so many helpful truths about living to our fullest as Introverts and setting healthy rhythms for our lives.
- On Becoming Toddlerwise & On Becoming Childwise - A lot of wisdom about parenting young kids are packed into these books! Our own "quiet times" are a result of some of the suggestions in them.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Introverted Funk
I'm reading a book called Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture by Adam McHugh. As I'm nearing the end of the book I feel I have not fully harnessed it's potential ability to change my life and so I will most likely read it again when I'm done. There is a lot of practical wisdom crammed between its figurative cover (What will we ever do with our book-inspired metaphors now that everyone, including myself, have e-readers?).
This book has helped me identify some unhealthy patterns in my life and given me the "permission" to set rhythms to my life that fit me. I've recently crawled out of a pretty dark place, both emotionally and spiritually with symptoms that felt a lot like depression. In this book McHugh suggest that when many Introverts feel they are experiencing depression, they are often actually entrenched in an Introverted burn out.
I was burned out on ministry, extended beyond my limits, and then experienced a loss of feeling centered (which is so important to us Introverts!) for an extended period of time. I wore anger, apathy, depression, and anxiety like different hats each day. I disconnected from relationships and found myself doing as little as possible each day. I was in an Introverted Funk, not to lessen some very real aspects of Spiritual warfare and ministry challenges that were also in play. But, being able to look back and give appropriate labels to what I experienced is going to be key in helping me not repeat this pattern in my life. Who knew, eating chocolate was not listed as a helpful strategy for regaining equilibrium. If clothes could cheer there would be a chorus from my closet at this thought!
McHugh talks about setting rhythms that allow us as Introverts to Engage and Retreat in the outer world. These include daily rhythms, as well as different seasons in life and ministry. In order to embrace who God made me, I have to learn to maximize my gifts and steward my person. I need time of quiet to recharge, daily, weekly, etc. to "retreat" in order that I can fully give myself to the service of others.
It's easy to feel guilty about our need to "retreat." Extroverts don't understand it. Extroverted spouses don't get it, children can't comprehend it, and friends, co-workers, and society generally look down upon it. But feeling guilty about it isn't acknowledging the fact that God knew what He was doing when He made us Introverts! It's also easy to ignore the discipline necessary to be healthy and resort to eating copious amounts of chocolate cake, or living with feelings of apathy and cringing when people suggest any get together at all...but it doesn't have to be and shouldn't be that way.
It takes. I think, extra intentionality to be a healthy Introvert in such an Extroverted world. We need to give ourselves permission to be who God made us to be, while finding opportunities to stretch ourselves. I'm working hard to discipline myself into healthy rhythms so I can be a better missionary, wife, and mother. It's a day to day process I can only hope I will get more adept at with time.
Get the book...it might change your life too!
This book has helped me identify some unhealthy patterns in my life and given me the "permission" to set rhythms to my life that fit me. I've recently crawled out of a pretty dark place, both emotionally and spiritually with symptoms that felt a lot like depression. In this book McHugh suggest that when many Introverts feel they are experiencing depression, they are often actually entrenched in an Introverted burn out.
I was burned out on ministry, extended beyond my limits, and then experienced a loss of feeling centered (which is so important to us Introverts!) for an extended period of time. I wore anger, apathy, depression, and anxiety like different hats each day. I disconnected from relationships and found myself doing as little as possible each day. I was in an Introverted Funk, not to lessen some very real aspects of Spiritual warfare and ministry challenges that were also in play. But, being able to look back and give appropriate labels to what I experienced is going to be key in helping me not repeat this pattern in my life. Who knew, eating chocolate was not listed as a helpful strategy for regaining equilibrium. If clothes could cheer there would be a chorus from my closet at this thought!McHugh talks about setting rhythms that allow us as Introverts to Engage and Retreat in the outer world. These include daily rhythms, as well as different seasons in life and ministry. In order to embrace who God made me, I have to learn to maximize my gifts and steward my person. I need time of quiet to recharge, daily, weekly, etc. to "retreat" in order that I can fully give myself to the service of others.
It's easy to feel guilty about our need to "retreat." Extroverts don't understand it. Extroverted spouses don't get it, children can't comprehend it, and friends, co-workers, and society generally look down upon it. But feeling guilty about it isn't acknowledging the fact that God knew what He was doing when He made us Introverts! It's also easy to ignore the discipline necessary to be healthy and resort to eating copious amounts of chocolate cake, or living with feelings of apathy and cringing when people suggest any get together at all...but it doesn't have to be and shouldn't be that way.
It takes. I think, extra intentionality to be a healthy Introvert in such an Extroverted world. We need to give ourselves permission to be who God made us to be, while finding opportunities to stretch ourselves. I'm working hard to discipline myself into healthy rhythms so I can be a better missionary, wife, and mother. It's a day to day process I can only hope I will get more adept at with time.
Get the book...it might change your life too!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
The Beginning
I'm a female INTJ, and even at 29, I'm still trying to figure out what that means for my life. I feel my passions and giftings go against the grain, and in comparison to most women they do. I decided to start this blog because I've begun to see that I'm not the only one out there who feels this way.
Last year I wrote a blog post entitled I'm an INTJ Woman and a Freak of Nature and I got several responses from INTJ women who, I could tell, have a long history of battling the same feelings I've had. Then I noticed that I had three times as many visits to that blog post than any other I'd written and figured I had to be on to something. We may not bump into one another regularly (maybe because we're not the social type) but it's nice to know that we're not alone in the world.
So, I decided to start this blog as a way to tell other INTJ women that we're OK. It seems like that's something we struggle with accepting, although no one would ever know from our presentation of ourselves. And, also to learn from others as I continually seek what it means to follow Christ as the person He has formed me to be.
These are just my thoughts and opinions on life as a woman, wife, mother, missionary, Christ-follower, bookworm, avid people watcher, and being an INTJ!
Last year I wrote a blog post entitled I'm an INTJ Woman and a Freak of Nature and I got several responses from INTJ women who, I could tell, have a long history of battling the same feelings I've had. Then I noticed that I had three times as many visits to that blog post than any other I'd written and figured I had to be on to something. We may not bump into one another regularly (maybe because we're not the social type) but it's nice to know that we're not alone in the world.
So, I decided to start this blog as a way to tell other INTJ women that we're OK. It seems like that's something we struggle with accepting, although no one would ever know from our presentation of ourselves. And, also to learn from others as I continually seek what it means to follow Christ as the person He has formed me to be.
These are just my thoughts and opinions on life as a woman, wife, mother, missionary, Christ-follower, bookworm, avid people watcher, and being an INTJ!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)