It has been said, once or twice, that I like to control things. OK, maybe a few more times than once or twice. I could say it's a result of being an INTJ, because we have a knack for seeing things that need to be fixed and coming up with really ingenious ways to fix them! We have high standards and work hard to reach them, which makes us tough task-masters to ourselves and everyone else. It's true, but I can't blame it all on that. A lot of it is just good, old-fashioned, universal pride.
This has played out in a myriad of ways as I have navigated relationships in my life...which would take too long to discuss here (sorry, Husband). I have, however, been thinking a great deal about how this plays out in my relationship with the Lord. Some recent discussions with a young lady, who reminds me a great deal of myself at her age (and, yes, saying that does make me old), has me thinking through the ups and downs of the last ten years (again with the oldness) of making my faith my own.
In a recent conversation with this young woman I looked her in the eyes and said, "I wish I had better news for you, but if you really want to learn to trust the Lord, it's going to be a rough few years for you." My husband calls my habit of making these sorts of statements negative; I prefer realistic. For those of us who like to rely on our own competence, who want to know what our next step is before we take it, who don't do well with ambiguity and uncertainty, who just want the ANSWER dang it (usually that's not the word I'd use)...learning to trust the Lord is H.A.R.D.!
"The good news though," I told her, "is, if you put in the work, it gets easier with time." That is to say, sort of in the way that behavioral therapists work with Obsessive-Compulsive patients to help them learn to sit with their anxiety and desensitize themselves to it, us control-aholics have to sit with our anxiety and learn with time that God can be trusted more than ourselves.
I wish I could be the sort of person who could believe without seeing, but I've never had that kind of faith. It has taken many years of tears, anger, depression, anxiety, and confusion to begin to realize that God always comes through. Not necessarily in the way I would have hoped for, but He masterfully, and patiently, weaves His plans for my life into a testimony to His name. I don't have to have the dang answer. I don't have to know what tomorrow will bring. I don't have to be competent in everything. God has all those things and more.
But, asking God for more faith is kind of like asking for more patience...you shouldn't do it unless you're prepared for life to kick the crap (pride) out of you. I've experienced some serious crap-kickings in the last few years. I've wrestled with God in ways that have left me, like Jacob, limping but blessed. I carry scars that speak of my stubbornness and a hopeful heart that speaks of a faithful God.
I still have days where I freak out, where ambiguity scares me, and where I want God to tell me what I want to hear, but they are fewer than they used to be. I've seen the power and precision of God bring me my son, carry me through ministry burn-out, and change people's lives miraculously. I've found that my comfort zone gets bigger and bigger each time God nudges me out of it. I pray (hesitantly and hopefully) that He continues to do so, because my journey of trust is far from over.
If it means there are days where all you can do is crumple in the corner and cry, but your mind repeats "I will trust God. I will trust God. I will trust God." that's a good place to start. I've been there. The Lord, in His goodness, will bring you through. There is no easy path to trust for a control-aholic but a life of faith in the Lord is far better than a life of faith in myself...I'll screw it up every time.
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