Spock, I Love You

My Dad's a Sci-Fi nerd and according to my husband I am too.  Much to my Mom's dismay, my sisters and I grew up watching Star Trek, Godzilla movies, Stargate SG-1 and other science fiction classics.  Now, much to my husband's consternation, I vow to do my utmost to pass on the love of Sci-Fi to our little guy. 

While I enjoy much of the Sci-Fi genre (not including the campy made-for-the-Sci-Fi-Channel movies, sorry, Dad) I think Star Trek will always be one of my favorites, particularly the original series.  It holds so much nostalgia for me.  It was the first TV show I remember watching and identifying with the characters in a way that shaped me.  My first TV love...Spock.  OK, well, maybe love is a stretch (I can't say I really dig the haircut, or the pointy ears), but I was enamered with his character.  I wanted to model his logic, commended his stoic face, and envied the command he had over his emotions.  I wanted to be Spock.

Spock, half human, half vulcan, was an objective commentator on the Humon Condition.  He brought the irefutable truth of logic to the table.  As an INTJ (even before I knew what that was) logic has always been alluring.  I idealized it, perhaps as the answer to every problem. I felt a conflict inside me, believing logic and emotions to always be enemies, I tried to be Spock and purge myself of emotions altogether.  But, unlike Spock, I am all human and didn't have access to the Vulcan ways.  What a shame.  I really always wanted to master the Vulcan Death Grip.

I suppose I also felt, and still feel, an identification to Spock's distance from others.  I think we INTJs natrually sit just a little further out than most people, observing everything with a sweeping, objective eye.  This makes us great analyzers (and often strong-spoken commentators on the "Human Condition"), but sometimes it feels a little alienating.

There are times I still secretly wish that I could erradicate the need for emotions.  They are messy and unpredictable and feel combersome to a lover of logic, but what I always failed to see is that Spock chose a path that didn't acknowledge his whole self.  He was, in fact, as human as he was Vulcan at his core.  Like Spock, I think my effort to command my emotions has sometimes created a characature of who I am, a stone-faced, iron maiden of sorts.  And, to be honest, I have often (and still sometimes do) wear that as a badge of honor.

But then, inevitably, that characature begins to feel constricting and I find myself wishing I was more capable handling emotions, more open and more visibly whole.  Logic will always be my first love, but feelings are God-given too and the interplay between them is what creates a living and growing wholeness in a person.  I sometimes visibly cringe when using the "F" word, but without feelings I am one-dimensional and lack growth.  And, if feelings aren't something we can really get behind as INTJs, the idea of growth and continual improvement is.  And so, I won't settle for being just Spock, you've gotta have a little Captain Kirk in you too...that's probably why they made such a great team.

In the beginning I thought my love for Spock would push me towards triumphant and emotionless logic, but in the end he has taught me that logic is no replacement for wholeness.  In fact, it is a little ironic that it isn't very logical to only be half of who you are.