My house is full of guys. The husband. The son. The (used to be male) dog. It's a noisy house erupting in continual sound effects like BONK, BOOM, and OOOO-YEAH, BABAY! But what makes my house full of guys just a little bit different is that it's also a house full of feelings. While I have a preference for Thinking (according to the Myers Briggs Theory), my husband, my son, and I could swear my dog (if dogs could be categorized), most definitely prefer Feeling. This makes for an interesting household.
In a world where the majority of men are Thinkers and the majority of women are Feelers...we're a house of opposites, and, I can't help but wonder, also filled with a little touch of irony from a God who loves to help us face the things that challenge us.
Feelings challenge me. More accurately, other people's feelings (how to appropriately respond to and respect them) challenge me. Feeling words tend to trigger almost involuntary eye rolls and gag reflexes in me. And wouldn't God fix me up with some of the most feeling guys (and dog) around!
I'm having to learn to say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and mean it, or at least fake it really, really well. Although my husband would claim that I'm not learning fast enough...and he's probably right. Oh, and there are lots and lots of cuddles. The dog will even crawl up in your lap and curl his paws around your leg if you'll let him. It's easy to cuddle little ones but outside of that? Not so much.
Being married to a Feeler has made me more open to feelings and a little more adept at dealing with them, but having a son who is most assuredly a Feeler too makes it imperative that I learn to navigate them well. I don't have the same preference, but I don't want my son to feel like he has to be different than God made him to be, or come out damaged and needy because he had an emotionally stifling mother. I've seen guys who never were able to feel at home in their Feeler-skin, who seek affirmation in women...lots of them. I want him to be confident in his feelings. I don't naturally know how to encourage him in that because I'm only recently learning to be confident in my own. But, God planned for me to be in a house of feelings. My Feelers have much to teach me, and I have things to teach them too.
Our family laughs alot...physical humor is just SO hilarious. You'll hear crashing and yelling and general male raucousness but you'll also hear a lot of feelings. I'm sad. Are you Happy? You OK? I'm angry. That hurt my feelings. And, my favorite, I love you. It's not always comfortable, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I just discovered your blog a few days ago, and I have read a few of your posts. They are helping me a lot. LOL. I am an INTJ and my husband is an ENFJ, so I can relate to a lot of what you say. We don't have children yet, but my husband certainly supplies more feelings in my house than I am accustomed to. I am constantly being reminded by God to be "gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, and rich in love".
ReplyDeleteIt is also difficult to be an INTJ woman in the church. I find it difficult to relate to the other women, and my husband finds it difficult to relate to other men, simply because of our personality types. Most women love to talk about things that I have absolutely no interest in. :)
But it has also been a challenge. My husband and I have felt a calling to ministry as well. We are now being trained by our pastor and his wife. But it is difficult for an INTJ to be what people need. I constantly have to remember to "touch" people, shaking hands and hugging. And if I don't watch out, I will get so concentrated on what I am doing that I forget the people I am doing it for!
Ah, such is the life of an INTJ woman. But, I know God has a purpose for our personality types, and I just have to trust Him to lead us and guide us on our journey.
Anyway, thanks for blogging about your life. It is a major encouragement to me to know that I am not alone. :)
From years ago, I carry regret giving my (then) husband the ultimatum of changing his career (because "I" never wanted to be a minister's wife again) or he could continue in the ministry... but as divorced.
ReplyDeleteThat was extremely selfish, and though our marriage endured another 16 years, I now can grasp why it was so difficult as an INTJ to adequately fulfill this role.
Oh, the flashbacks.
Things are starting to make sense to me... for as hard as I tried, I failed miserably as a minister's wife.
I had no idea what I was getting into; I prayed, I continued, I thought I would "catch on"... but alas I still was a miserable failure.
Finally, though, I have come to the point where I can forgive myself (for more than the sake of that is what you are supposed to do).
In comparison, it always seemed/seems easier to forgive others.