Some days I feel on edge all day...everyone is annoying. I'm angry with Little Man because, well, he's three. And then I feel guilty for feeling angry, but not quite guilty enough to stop being angry. I'm agitated and on the verge of going nuts and not a single person says a single intelligent thing all day (or so it seems to me).
Yesterday was one of those days.
I have come to recognize that while I am genetically predisposed to annoyance, an all day anger affair--such as yesterday--usually means I've done too much extroverting.
But what do you do when you're extroverted-out and you have a full schedule and a three-year-old clinging to your leg saying, "Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama..."? Generally, I spend the day wanting to punch people. But, this is good for no one.
I have spent the last year trying to figure out healthier rhythms for my life. Some weeks I am successful at inserting time to recharge, others, not so much.
Summer time in our ministry is hectic and filled with people...usually the perfect storm for an Introvert to go crazy!! Yesterday launched my first summer schedule with a crazy little nut boy around the house and it's clear that I will have to be intentional with my time to not lose it! It's not easy to share the love of Christ with people when their very existence is causing me agitation.
It's not easy to push back the crowding tasks and people and give my soul the space it needs to breathe, but it is necessary. Here's to doing a better job at intentional recharging...and not wanting to punch people all day long :)!
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
One Point for Mama
I'm not a warm and fuzzy mother. I don't worry about every little bump and bruise or if he will be unhealthy if he misses a meal. I don't endorse extensive crying, even upon injury. I encourage Little Nut Nut's wild adventures, which often include pushing his physical limits and testing his abilities. How will he know what he can do if he can't try?
Don't get me wrong, there are lots of hugs and words of affirmation. I know our son feels secure and loved. We also try to limit his dare devilish ways to jumping from no higher than 2 stairs and doing flips on softer surfaces.
I try to take the long view of parenting. Most things even out in the end if you love your child, draw boundaries for them and keep them fed and watered...also, it goes a long way for your kids if you are not insane, just sayin. Even though I don't worry about eating habits and whether or not he'll be dumb because I didn't do flash cards with him EVERY day this week, I do worry about behavior. Not that you'd always know that by looking at my kid. He is a sweet-spirited child but stubborn as heck. As an extroverted boy, he has no qualms with loud and embarrassing demonstrations of his disappointment and/or rage.
I think it's mainly my personality, but I LOVE to win. It's so easy to get sucked into a battle mentality with my stubborn little three year old, and once that happens...heck if I'm gonna lose. The problem is, in the world of constructive discipline that mentality doesn't get you very far. Instead I end up crazy stressed out, angry, and still dealing with an obstinate little boy. One day when I was at my wits end, my toddler drooling entirely-masticated "offending" food from his stubborn mouth, someone suggested I read Love and Logic for Early Childhood. I bought that sucker on my Kindle within five minutes.
It. Is. Awesome. We're still working on how exactly to implement it all and of course there are still those days, but it is designed to take a lot of the frustration and anger out of parenting. Can I hear an Amen! for that!! (There are some aspects of the book that I don't totally agree with because it's not written from a Christian perspective, and for us, I feel it is best pared with the principles presented in One Becoming Toddlerwise.) But, the basic premise of the Love and Logic technique is that as parents we are preparing our kids for the real world and should parent with techniques that teach them immediate cause and effect and guide them through their own problem solving. It requires accountability for actions, fixing things they've broken, paying with money, chores, or toys for time or items lost by their behaviour.
We started a Chore Box with age-appropriate chores to draw from when needed. Our downstairs neighbors have heard a LOT of vacuuming lately! He's been cleaning baseboards and dusting and sweeping. I haven't had clean baseboards in, well, I don't know, but they're clean now!! Of course, they are three-year-old-ability clean, but in a world where cleaning is not high on my list of priorities I'll take it.
So, while I realize it's not healthy to be in competition with my child over discipline issues...my house sure is clean :)...one point for Mama!
Don't get me wrong, there are lots of hugs and words of affirmation. I know our son feels secure and loved. We also try to limit his dare devilish ways to jumping from no higher than 2 stairs and doing flips on softer surfaces.
I try to take the long view of parenting. Most things even out in the end if you love your child, draw boundaries for them and keep them fed and watered...also, it goes a long way for your kids if you are not insane, just sayin. Even though I don't worry about eating habits and whether or not he'll be dumb because I didn't do flash cards with him EVERY day this week, I do worry about behavior. Not that you'd always know that by looking at my kid. He is a sweet-spirited child but stubborn as heck. As an extroverted boy, he has no qualms with loud and embarrassing demonstrations of his disappointment and/or rage.
I think it's mainly my personality, but I LOVE to win. It's so easy to get sucked into a battle mentality with my stubborn little three year old, and once that happens...heck if I'm gonna lose. The problem is, in the world of constructive discipline that mentality doesn't get you very far. Instead I end up crazy stressed out, angry, and still dealing with an obstinate little boy. One day when I was at my wits end, my toddler drooling entirely-masticated "offending" food from his stubborn mouth, someone suggested I read Love and Logic for Early Childhood. I bought that sucker on my Kindle within five minutes.
It. Is. Awesome. We're still working on how exactly to implement it all and of course there are still those days, but it is designed to take a lot of the frustration and anger out of parenting. Can I hear an Amen! for that!! (There are some aspects of the book that I don't totally agree with because it's not written from a Christian perspective, and for us, I feel it is best pared with the principles presented in One Becoming Toddlerwise.) But, the basic premise of the Love and Logic technique is that as parents we are preparing our kids for the real world and should parent with techniques that teach them immediate cause and effect and guide them through their own problem solving. It requires accountability for actions, fixing things they've broken, paying with money, chores, or toys for time or items lost by their behaviour.
We started a Chore Box with age-appropriate chores to draw from when needed. Our downstairs neighbors have heard a LOT of vacuuming lately! He's been cleaning baseboards and dusting and sweeping. I haven't had clean baseboards in, well, I don't know, but they're clean now!! Of course, they are three-year-old-ability clean, but in a world where cleaning is not high on my list of priorities I'll take it.
So, while I realize it's not healthy to be in competition with my child over discipline issues...my house sure is clean :)...one point for Mama!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Confessions of a Control-aholic
It has been said, once or twice, that I like to control things. OK, maybe a few more times than once or twice. I could say it's a result of being an INTJ, because we have a knack for seeing things that need to be fixed and coming up with really ingenious ways to fix them! We have high standards and work hard to reach them, which makes us tough task-masters to ourselves and everyone else. It's true, but I can't blame it all on that. A lot of it is just good, old-fashioned, universal pride.
This has played out in a myriad of ways as I have navigated relationships in my life...which would take too long to discuss here (sorry, Husband). I have, however, been thinking a great deal about how this plays out in my relationship with the Lord. Some recent discussions with a young lady, who reminds me a great deal of myself at her age (and, yes, saying that does make me old), has me thinking through the ups and downs of the last ten years (again with the oldness) of making my faith my own.
In a recent conversation with this young woman I looked her in the eyes and said, "I wish I had better news for you, but if you really want to learn to trust the Lord, it's going to be a rough few years for you." My husband calls my habit of making these sorts of statements negative; I prefer realistic. For those of us who like to rely on our own competence, who want to know what our next step is before we take it, who don't do well with ambiguity and uncertainty, who just want the ANSWER dang it (usually that's not the word I'd use)...learning to trust the Lord is H.A.R.D.!
"The good news though," I told her, "is, if you put in the work, it gets easier with time." That is to say, sort of in the way that behavioral therapists work with Obsessive-Compulsive patients to help them learn to sit with their anxiety and desensitize themselves to it, us control-aholics have to sit with our anxiety and learn with time that God can be trusted more than ourselves.
I wish I could be the sort of person who could believe without seeing, but I've never had that kind of faith. It has taken many years of tears, anger, depression, anxiety, and confusion to begin to realize that God always comes through. Not necessarily in the way I would have hoped for, but He masterfully, and patiently, weaves His plans for my life into a testimony to His name. I don't have to have the dang answer. I don't have to know what tomorrow will bring. I don't have to be competent in everything. God has all those things and more.
But, asking God for more faith is kind of like asking for more patience...you shouldn't do it unless you're prepared for life to kick the crap (pride) out of you. I've experienced some serious crap-kickings in the last few years. I've wrestled with God in ways that have left me, like Jacob, limping but blessed. I carry scars that speak of my stubbornness and a hopeful heart that speaks of a faithful God.
I still have days where I freak out, where ambiguity scares me, and where I want God to tell me what I want to hear, but they are fewer than they used to be. I've seen the power and precision of God bring me my son, carry me through ministry burn-out, and change people's lives miraculously. I've found that my comfort zone gets bigger and bigger each time God nudges me out of it. I pray (hesitantly and hopefully) that He continues to do so, because my journey of trust is far from over.
If it means there are days where all you can do is crumple in the corner and cry, but your mind repeats "I will trust God. I will trust God. I will trust God." that's a good place to start. I've been there. The Lord, in His goodness, will bring you through. There is no easy path to trust for a control-aholic but a life of faith in the Lord is far better than a life of faith in myself...I'll screw it up every time.
This has played out in a myriad of ways as I have navigated relationships in my life...which would take too long to discuss here (sorry, Husband). I have, however, been thinking a great deal about how this plays out in my relationship with the Lord. Some recent discussions with a young lady, who reminds me a great deal of myself at her age (and, yes, saying that does make me old), has me thinking through the ups and downs of the last ten years (again with the oldness) of making my faith my own.
In a recent conversation with this young woman I looked her in the eyes and said, "I wish I had better news for you, but if you really want to learn to trust the Lord, it's going to be a rough few years for you." My husband calls my habit of making these sorts of statements negative; I prefer realistic. For those of us who like to rely on our own competence, who want to know what our next step is before we take it, who don't do well with ambiguity and uncertainty, who just want the ANSWER dang it (usually that's not the word I'd use)...learning to trust the Lord is H.A.R.D.!
"The good news though," I told her, "is, if you put in the work, it gets easier with time." That is to say, sort of in the way that behavioral therapists work with Obsessive-Compulsive patients to help them learn to sit with their anxiety and desensitize themselves to it, us control-aholics have to sit with our anxiety and learn with time that God can be trusted more than ourselves.
I wish I could be the sort of person who could believe without seeing, but I've never had that kind of faith. It has taken many years of tears, anger, depression, anxiety, and confusion to begin to realize that God always comes through. Not necessarily in the way I would have hoped for, but He masterfully, and patiently, weaves His plans for my life into a testimony to His name. I don't have to have the dang answer. I don't have to know what tomorrow will bring. I don't have to be competent in everything. God has all those things and more.
But, asking God for more faith is kind of like asking for more patience...you shouldn't do it unless you're prepared for life to kick the crap (pride) out of you. I've experienced some serious crap-kickings in the last few years. I've wrestled with God in ways that have left me, like Jacob, limping but blessed. I carry scars that speak of my stubbornness and a hopeful heart that speaks of a faithful God.
I still have days where I freak out, where ambiguity scares me, and where I want God to tell me what I want to hear, but they are fewer than they used to be. I've seen the power and precision of God bring me my son, carry me through ministry burn-out, and change people's lives miraculously. I've found that my comfort zone gets bigger and bigger each time God nudges me out of it. I pray (hesitantly and hopefully) that He continues to do so, because my journey of trust is far from over.
If it means there are days where all you can do is crumple in the corner and cry, but your mind repeats "I will trust God. I will trust God. I will trust God." that's a good place to start. I've been there. The Lord, in His goodness, will bring you through. There is no easy path to trust for a control-aholic but a life of faith in the Lord is far better than a life of faith in myself...I'll screw it up every time.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
House of Feelings
My house is full of guys. The husband. The son. The (used to be male) dog. It's a noisy house erupting in continual sound effects like BONK, BOOM, and OOOO-YEAH, BABAY! But what makes my house full of guys just a little bit different is that it's also a house full of feelings. While I have a preference for Thinking (according to the Myers Briggs Theory), my husband, my son, and I could swear my dog (if dogs could be categorized), most definitely prefer Feeling. This makes for an interesting household.
In a world where the majority of men are Thinkers and the majority of women are Feelers...we're a house of opposites, and, I can't help but wonder, also filled with a little touch of irony from a God who loves to help us face the things that challenge us.
Feelings challenge me. More accurately, other people's feelings (how to appropriately respond to and respect them) challenge me. Feeling words tend to trigger almost involuntary eye rolls and gag reflexes in me. And wouldn't God fix me up with some of the most feeling guys (and dog) around!
I'm having to learn to say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and mean it, or at least fake it really, really well. Although my husband would claim that I'm not learning fast enough...and he's probably right. Oh, and there are lots and lots of cuddles. The dog will even crawl up in your lap and curl his paws around your leg if you'll let him. It's easy to cuddle little ones but outside of that? Not so much.
Being married to a Feeler has made me more open to feelings and a little more adept at dealing with them, but having a son who is most assuredly a Feeler too makes it imperative that I learn to navigate them well. I don't have the same preference, but I don't want my son to feel like he has to be different than God made him to be, or come out damaged and needy because he had an emotionally stifling mother. I've seen guys who never were able to feel at home in their Feeler-skin, who seek affirmation in women...lots of them. I want him to be confident in his feelings. I don't naturally know how to encourage him in that because I'm only recently learning to be confident in my own. But, God planned for me to be in a house of feelings. My Feelers have much to teach me, and I have things to teach them too.
Our family laughs alot...physical humor is just SO hilarious. You'll hear crashing and yelling and general male raucousness but you'll also hear a lot of feelings. I'm sad. Are you Happy? You OK? I'm angry. That hurt my feelings. And, my favorite, I love you. It's not always comfortable, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
In a world where the majority of men are Thinkers and the majority of women are Feelers...we're a house of opposites, and, I can't help but wonder, also filled with a little touch of irony from a God who loves to help us face the things that challenge us.
Feelings challenge me. More accurately, other people's feelings (how to appropriately respond to and respect them) challenge me. Feeling words tend to trigger almost involuntary eye rolls and gag reflexes in me. And wouldn't God fix me up with some of the most feeling guys (and dog) around!
I'm having to learn to say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and mean it, or at least fake it really, really well. Although my husband would claim that I'm not learning fast enough...and he's probably right. Oh, and there are lots and lots of cuddles. The dog will even crawl up in your lap and curl his paws around your leg if you'll let him. It's easy to cuddle little ones but outside of that? Not so much.
Being married to a Feeler has made me more open to feelings and a little more adept at dealing with them, but having a son who is most assuredly a Feeler too makes it imperative that I learn to navigate them well. I don't have the same preference, but I don't want my son to feel like he has to be different than God made him to be, or come out damaged and needy because he had an emotionally stifling mother. I've seen guys who never were able to feel at home in their Feeler-skin, who seek affirmation in women...lots of them. I want him to be confident in his feelings. I don't naturally know how to encourage him in that because I'm only recently learning to be confident in my own. But, God planned for me to be in a house of feelings. My Feelers have much to teach me, and I have things to teach them too.
Our family laughs alot...physical humor is just SO hilarious. You'll hear crashing and yelling and general male raucousness but you'll also hear a lot of feelings. I'm sad. Are you Happy? You OK? I'm angry. That hurt my feelings. And, my favorite, I love you. It's not always comfortable, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
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